


Of Pollen and Pornography; or, Not what it sounds like. At all.

by orphan_account



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: (sort of), Crack, Domestic, Fluff, So this is pretty fluffy I guess?, also a mild warning for implications of bat porn, casefic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-21
Updated: 2013-04-21
Packaged: 2017-12-09 02:42:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/769034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sherlock solves a case, John the Bat gets 'sick' and Mrs Hudson is oblivious. Domesticity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Pollen and Pornography; or, Not what it sounds like. At all.

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly have no damn idea where I was going with this, it's like 2am and I just had a thought: what would happen if Bat!John saw something he shouldn't really have on Animal Planet? (Clue: a documentary about the mating habits of bats).
> 
> So, naturally, I had to write a mini casefic in order to somehow work that in, because OF COURSE THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE
> 
> I'm pretty please with how this turned out _now_ , but come morning that may have changed. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy. Or don't. Whatever.

Sherlock leapt out of the cab, hurling a handful of notes at the cabbie and nearly wrenching the front door to 221B off its hinges in his haste to get home.  
In his haste to get home and see _John_ , specifically.

The little bat had been fine that morning, flitting around the flat and squeaking at Sherlock when he tried to bypass breakfast. On his way out to the latest crime scene he’d been called to ( _young florist asphyxiated by poison? Allergic reaction?_ ), John had burrowed into the folds of his scarf, leaving just the tips of his ears out to brush Sherlock’s chin when he turned his head.  
So far, everything was normal.

Upon arrival at the (ex)florist’s shop, John wriggled his way out and perched on a large, pretty creeper vine covered in small pink flowers, watching the forensics team and Sherlock work with large, intelligent eyes.

But after a few minutes at the scene, John had started coughing and wheezing feebly, and no amount of throat-tickling and back-patting seemed to help.  
Sherlock had been forced to take some samples ( _potting soil fertiliser blood-and-bone common dust tap water pollen_ ) and leave for home again.

John seemed to recover on the ride back to 221B, but Sherlock wasn’t taking any chances. He had to make sure that his friend – his _best_ friend – was alright.

Oh, but the samples…

The _case_ ….

“Sherlock, dear, are you alright? You’ve been standing on the doorstep for a good five minutes now.  
Oh, goodness, John! You poor thing, here, let me take him, there’s a dear….”

Ah, obvious.  
Mrs Hudson was _more_ than capable of looking after John. Probably better at it, although Sherlock would never admit it.

Leaving the bat in the safe and lavender-scented hands of his landlady, Sherlock jumped back into the waiting cab and set off for Saint Bart’s laboratories, samples in hand.

****

  
_1) Potting Soil  
 _Commercial brand_   
_New packet__  
 _Opened this morning – scissors – seen on workbench – clean – close thought train._  
 _Open new thought train:  
_ _Composition: peat 0.2% - composted bark 0.3% - fertiliser (acidity 3.4) 0.2% - perlite 0.1% - limestone 0.2%  
_ _Toxicity: 0_

_Conclusion: Potting soil not cause of death.  
Discard._

_2) Pollen_

_Species: Unknown_

_Open pollen analysis data from 11/3/04_

_4 Possible Matches Found_

_Iris acutiloba - Iris – Irises present in florists – negative – discard_

_Asparagus officinalis - Asparagus – Flowering asparagus found in florists – negative – discard_

_Hold thought train_

_John_  
Is John alright?  
Ring Mrs Hudson? 

_Abort.  
Resume case._

_Agapanthus caulescens – Agapanthus – Agapanthus found in florists – negative – discard_

_Match found: Orchid  
Species Unknown_

_Hold thought train._

_Ring Mrs Hudson now?_

_Wait._  
John.  
Coughing – short of breath - swelling of throat tissue – asphyxiation – dislodged pollen grains from orchid when landing – inhaled – toxins – 

_Conclusion: Florist killed by toxin found in pollen of unspecified orchid. Text Lestrade._

_Case closed._

_File previous thought trains for later perusal and categorisation._

_John._

__

****

Which brings us to where this story started; Sherlock overpaying the cabbie, nearly breaking the front door down, thundering up the stairs like a gangly, well-dressed herd of wildebeest, throwing himself into his living room – and stopping dead in astonisment. 

Mrs Hudson bustled up the stairs at that moment, nudging him aside with an “Excuse me, dear” and a gentle elbow to the side. She had a hot water bottle in one hand and a plate of biscuits in the other.

John, on the other hand, was laying very, very still, large eyes absolutely riveted to the television screen.  
The tiny bat seemed even smaller, nestled as he was atop the biggest pile of blankets, pillows and comforters Sherlock had ever seen. There were no less that _three_ hot water bottles tucked around him, and two empty plates balancing precariously next to him. One was covered in slightly gnawed watermelon seeds (where on _earth_ did Mrs Hudson find watermelon in the middle of February?) and the other was a steadily decreasing pile of seedless green grapes. 

John did not look ill in the _slightest_.

Actually, now that Sherlock looked closer, his respiration was 12% faster than his regular respiration rate, and his eyes were shining brighter than usual, and – 

“ _\- the mating of the whiskered bat usually takes place in autumn, although it has been observed during the winter months -_

“Mrs Hudson? What is John watching?”

“Oh, well, I put it on that channel with all the nature documentaries. Animal Planet? He seems very interested.”

“ _\- the male clings to the back of the female as he inserts his engorged -_ ”

In two strides Sherlock had made it across the floor and turned off the television, to very indignant squeaks from both John and Mrs Hudson.

“Dear me, Sherlock, what was that for? That’s John’s favourite programme, you know. He watches it all the time when he comes to visit me.”

John had the grace to look sheepish, and wouldn’t meet Sherlock’s eyes. 

“I think, Mrs Hudson, that John is quite well now. Thankyou for your help.”

“Oh good. I do so hate to see him unwell, he’s such a sweet little thing. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything else.”

When Sherlock turned back, John was nowhere to be seen. 

“You ridiculous creature.” He announced to the (seemingly) empty room. “Shame on you for taking advantage of our landlady.”

He took off his coat and went to make some tea (one in a mug and one in a saucer).

John didn’t reappear for another half an hour, but when he did his fur was all mussed down his front and he had little dribbles of saliva in the corners of his mouth. Sherlock pretended not to notice, and extended a finger for his friend to land on.

“It was the pollen.” He remarked, offhandedly.  
John snuffled and squeezed Sherlock’s finger lightly. Sherlock could almost swear he was smiling.

***

“You’re not to do that again to poor Mrs Hudson. If she had any idea – “

(Offended peeping)

“ – no, don’t give me any of that, it’s not right. _I’m_ supposed to be the morally grey one, you’re meant to behave and – “

(More peeping)

“Oh, shut up, you. Drink your tea, it’s going cold.”


End file.
